Pain is a part of our lives. There’s simply no avoiding it. I experienced a lot of pain when I was young. Even though that pain was completely out of anyone’s control, it still hurt. Trying to process pain at such a young age wasn’t easy. I entered my twenties wondering “Why did I lose my Dad at the age of 49? Why did I have to watch the strongest man in my life wither away to nothing? Why does my sister have special needs? Why is my life so unfair?”

My perspective was so warped that it affected how I saw other people. I remember looking at complete strangers and wondering “How can they possibly be so happy? Is their life really that easy?” I didn’t even know it at the time, but I was looking at the world through a cloudy, self-centered lens. I have to admit that my world was very limited in size – mostly due to my family’s circumstances. Regardless, I was making some very unjust assumptions. I had no right to assume that a stranger’s smile meant they were happy. And I certainly had no right to assume that if they were happy, then their life must have been easy.

It amazes me the type of judgments we can make in the blink of an eye. And those judgments can feel very real too. False judgments certainly warp our perceptions of reality. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I was working through a lot of trauma. Which explains why I was looking at the world through a lens. Trauma has that sort of effect on us. So does grief and depression. I certainly was going through my fair share of that as well.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve learned that the people who appear to be the strongest or perhaps the happiest on the outside are often the ones who’ve been through the darkest storms. Logically speaking – how can anyone truly appreciate happiness without having suffered at some point? Suffering may look completely different for everyone. It can come in the form of losing a loved one. It can come when raising a child with special needs. It can be a cancer diagnosis. How about the type of suffering that happens in poverty-stricken countries where people struggle everyday just to meet their basic needs? Suffering can be short-lived or can go on for many years. Regardless, it’s still suffering.

You may be going through moments of suffering right now. You may find yourself in the midst of a suffering so intense that you cannot breathe. If so, I understand. I’ve been there. If your life seems unfair and happiness seems unimaginable right now, it’s okay. Don’t judge yourself and don’t let anyone else judge you. Just keep surviving. Because you will survive. Even if you have to focus on one day at a time, or possibly even one moment at a time. You may be in the middle of one of the fiercest storms of your life. But I promise there will be a rainbow after the storm. There always is. And what’s more beautiful than a rainbow peaking through the clouds after a fierce storm? If it wasn’t for that storm, the rainbow wouldn’t even exist.

Don’t ever assume you know what someone else has gone through. If you haven’t walked a mile in their shoes, then you have no right to try and put yourself there. Don’t be quick to judge. It’s human nature to look at other people and fabricate all kinds of stories simply because of how they look. Try to catch yourself in those moments. Maybe that person is smiling because they got a much needed break from their home life. Or perhaps that person is smiling because they are trying their best not to cry. Judging others causes more harm than good.

Lastly, if you happen to find yourself in the midst of your current struggles, have faith. I guarantee those struggles will only make you stronger. Every season has a purpose. Be patient and eventually that rainbow will appear. As Bob Dylan once said, “Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.”

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When I was younger, I always wanted to “fit in”. Isn’t that what everyone wants when they’re young? And I hated the fact that I didn’t “fit in”. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized I was born to do the exact opposite. I was born to stand out. The reality is we’re all born to stand out.

There’s no arguing that my family of origin stood out. Anyone who knew my family would agree. My younger sister, Casey, had special needs. Her behavior was oftentimes quite uncontrollable. She’d bang her head into a wall, throw herself down, and break things. These behaviors came out of the blue. It didn’t matter where we were – at a family gathering, in church, in the grocery store, in the middle of the street, I mean anywhere. We’d literally have to pick her up and carry her out kicking and screaming. So, because I had no other choice, I got used to people staring. I may not have liked it, but it was a part of life.

When I was 13 years old, my Dad got bone cancer. He had extensive surgery and spent the remainder of his life either using crutches or in a wheelchair. It wasn’t easy for him to get around. After that, more people were staring at us. And I can’t really blame them. I think it’s human nature to look in the direction of someone who looks different or acts different. It’s human nature to want to know everyone else’s story.

I didn’t look at it that way at the time. As a matter of fact, I got angry and embarrassed when people stared. There were definitely times when wished I could somehow just disappear. Little did I know the crucial life lessons that I was learning.

By the time I made it to college, I didn’t even try to fit in. And I really didn’t care what anyone else thought of me. I didn’t want to be a part of the typical “college crowd”. More times than not, I turned people down when they invited me out to parties or social events. I was perfectly fine without having too many friends. That’s not something too many college students can say.

My confidence grew as I entered the working world. Generally speaking, people sort of gravitated towards me. Even though I was young, they realized I had a lot of talents and gifts to share. As I moved from one job to the next, I climbed the ladder remarkably fast. By the time I was in my late twenties, I had already become a supervisor. Doors were opening left and right.

One of the most important lessons that I learned was that I could achieve anything – as long as I tried. I not only realized it, but I applied it. I don’t believe I would have learned that lesson so early in my life if I hadn’t gotten so comfortable standing out.

Think about the people that you admire most in life. They are the ones who stand out. They are the ones who take risks. They are natural born leaders. And they are the ones who leave a legacy.

You were born to stand out too. There’s no doubt about it. If you want to leave your mark on the world, then accept who you are and who you were born to be. Celebrate your uniqueness. Don’t pay attention to who society tells you to be. Society’s got it all wrong. Focus only on the gifts and talents that you have. Don’t spend anytime worrying about what other people think. Be yourself and be proud.

2020 has had so much change and uncertainty. As we look back at this year, we see how our interactions, experiences, and the ways in which we’ve lived our lives have drastically changed. We’ve stayed home and social distanced, put many of our plans on hold, learned new ways of interacting with people, worked from home for longer than we ever expected, and managed online schooling all at the same time.

Some of us lost loved ones during this time and couldn’t even say goodbye. Some of us have been just plain lonely. At the opposite end of the spectrum, there are those of us who are more than ready to take a well-deserved break from our spouse or our kids. Parents – let’s face it. There’s no doubt we love our kids, but we can’t possibly spend every minute of every day with them and not need a break. No matter what we’ve been through, there’s not a single person who’s sailed through 2020 easily. The reality is we’ve all been on this long journey together. It’s a journey none of us ever imagined and we’ve all felt its impact.

We know change is on the horizon. The vaccine is near. The question is how will we remember this year once it’s gone? We can choose to remember 2020 as the year when everything was canceled. Weddings, graduations, field trips, in-person schooling, sporting events, vacations, holiday traditions, concerts, funerals, memorials, the list could go on and on.

On the other hand, we can choose to remember the positives. There is no doubt that we had extra time on our hands. How did we spend that time? Many of us spent it with our families, picked up new hobbies, read books, watched Netflix, played games, exercised, and prayed. Hopefully, no matter what we did, we learned to appreciate the small things. Those of us who kept our jobs were thankful to be employed. We realized how grateful we were for our delivery drivers, our teachers, our first responders, and certainly our health care workers. Many of us saved money on gas and commuting, and maybe we even helped the environment at the same time.

Yes – there’s been a lot of animosity this year. But regardless, I think we as a nation and a society have became more resilient than ever. I was amazed at the number of people who refrained from going to the hair salon and embraced their natural hair color. Some of us were able to virtually attend concerts or other events online. Many of us visited with our friends and family on Zoom or FaceTime. I know a lot of people who became quite creative with their fitness goals. I saw more people outside during this past year than I can ever remember. Some people were able to exercise online in groups, join virtual fitness challenges, or even (like myself) purchase a Peloton. I know people who dedicated their extra time at home to learning how to cook, paint, sew, or use their talents in other creative ways. I was amazed by how many people adopted a rescue pet. Certainly everyone found new and creative ways to celebrate birthdays and holidays. There were many opportunities for us to reach out to someone who was lonely or who we hadn‛t talked to in a long time. And then there were other opportunities to do some serious self-reflection, maybe even offer an apology or forgiveness. This year was a time when people realized that the things that hurt them in the past suddenly seemed so trivial.

As we focus on this upcoming year, let‛s stay strong. Use this remaining time that we have to continue helping one other, being patient, and being kind. Let’s look at the afterward. History tells us there is always an afterward. As we prepare to say goodbye to this historical time in our lives, let’s not forget our blessings. Let’s show this world that we are united now more than ever. Let’s rise up and prove that we have what it takes to make this world a better place.

I didn’t use to see myself as resilient. I remember a time in my early twenties when I thought that my life wasn’t even worth living. My childhood had been remarkably challenging. Many of those years were spent caring for my sister Casey who had unique special needs, the worst of which were uncontrollable behavior problems. On top of that, my father passed away when I was 20. We had watched him battle cancer for 8 years. My teenage years were rather traumatic. I didn’t have much of a social life at all. I graduated from college with honors and earned a teaching certificate in Elementary Education. I found a teaching job and thought that was a step in the right direction. Just three months into that job everything came crashing down. Being a new teacher was hard enough. But in order for me to create a future, I needed to face the realities of my past. I wasn’t able to take any steps forward without first taking a few steps back.

I froze up one morning as my students were coming down the hall. I couldn’t stop shaking and crying. Luckily my mentor walked in and grabbed me before the students came into the classroom. She realized immediately that I was having a panic attack, pulled me into her classroom, and then proceeded to walk me down to the principal’s office. I looked the principal in the eye and said my only option was to quit. God was telling me that I needed help. I started seeing a counselor and taking antidepressant medication.

At the time, I was convinced that I was an absolute failure. I had just put 4 years of effort into a college degree, and then I watched it all go down the tubes. I even had to pay the state of Maryland back several thousand dollars because they had given me an educational grant for agreeing to become a teacher. When I received that grant, I committed to teaching for 2 years. Little did I know that God had different plans for me.

I still was living at home at the time at the time. Thankfully, that meant that I didn’t have to worry about paying rent or any other bills. However, it also meant that I had to see Casey transition back and forth between a boarding school and home, which was so heartbreaking. And I also realized that so many memories of my Dad were tied to the house. I had been living at college for the four years prior to that. Looking back to my college years, I remember that I dreaded every single break away from school. All of my college friends were so excited to go home and see their families. Meanwhile, I had to go home and deal with real world problems.

By the grace of God, I came out of that depression after only a few months. I attribute much of that to the army of family and friends who were praying for me. And I attribute a small percentage to my own perseverance and determination. I knew that I needed to find a job and that was the only way I would ever move out. I started working for the local bank as a teller. As much as I was embarrassed to be working as a bank teller with a college degree, it was actually a very humbling experience. I knew that I had to start somewhere. I kept reminding myself that these were baby steps. God was telling me that this was all part of my journey. I found a bedroom to rent in someone’s house – which I was able to afford by serving tables part-time and also getting some extra cash from my future husband.

I stayed at the bank for a year and a half and then found a job working at my former high school as a Secretary. That job gave me a little more income and benefits. Through that job, God provided me with a roommate so I was able to move into a 2-bedroom apartment. After a year, I moved up to an Administrative Assistant position and then gained skills that eventually transferred over to a career in the Federal Government. Never before in my life had I imagined that I would work for the Federal Government. That was all part of God’s plan.

Today people say that I’m resilient and that I’m generally a positive person. But that wasn’t something that came easy. I had to build up resiliency after dealing with the trauma’s that life threw my way. It took hard work and determination. It took faith. It took me learning how to face my past and accept the pain that I had endured. It took me listening to my husband who taught me that it’s perfectly OK to cry. It took me finally grieving my father’s death. And it also took me grieving the childhood that was taken away from me way too young. It took my awareness that all of the cards that I had been dealt were out of my control, and more importantly out of my parents’ control. These circumstances were essentially out of anyone’s control. 

I had to learn that I was strong and that I wasn’t a failure. I had to prove to myself that I didn’t need antidepressants and that instead I just needed to dig down deep into the wounds of my childhood and face all of those emotions that I had buried for way too long. I had to prove to myself that it was perfectly acceptable to have good days and bad days, and more importantly that those bad days didn’t need to define me. I had to put my life into God’s hands and trust that he had a plan for me. That is how I built my resiliency.